When you wake in the morning the first thing you think about is your baby
When you are out and about without them you feel as if something is missing
You find it difficult to get to sleep and often wake throughout the night
You look at your body in the mirror and catalog the ravages of pregnancy
And
You love your baby with all of your heart and you would do anything to protect them
Once a mum you are always a mum,
Being Elianna, Melinda and Jonathon's mother is an integral part of who I am. I could no more forget one of my children than I could forget that i have legs. I think about them every moment of every day. Even if its only in the back of my mind, They are there, influencing my decisions and my behavior. And sometimes something will occur that will suddenly bring them to the forefront of my mind and I am awash with precious memories.
Some reminders are subtle, others not so much. Obviously seeing or holding babies, hearing birth stories and watching friends babies grow and develop causes my breath to catch in my throat and brings to mind the absence of my babies and loss of the future i had hoped for. But a few of the more subtle things that particularly bring my angels to mind are these...
A pregnant mother absent mindedly caressing her bump.
Reminds me of when my children were safe inside of me and that beautiful feeling of hope and wonder at the creation of new life. That little smile that said I was waiting on the most wonderful surprise anyone can ever receive, meeting a brand new little person complete with their own personality that you would watch develop over the years. Would they like beetroot like me? or would they regard it with horrified disdain like their father. would they prefer to snuggle and read or run and climb, or maybe both? There's a good reason many pregnant women are smug, its a pretty cool gig.
A rainbow lights the sky
Rainbows are almost miraculous to me and they remind me of my angels for two reasons.
1) Beautiful spectres that appear only when the conditions are just right, Rainbows stay for but a moment and then disappear as quickly as they come. In angel mum circles a baby who is born after the loss of a baby is known as a rainbow baby. This is as a recognition that the beauty of the rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm or suggest that the family are no longer dealing with the aftermath, rather that something beautiful and full of light has appeared. Storm clouds may still gather but the rainbow provides a measure of balance and hope.
As Jonathon's little sister, Melinda is my rainbow baby. and for a while after her death I wondered if i could still refer to her as a rainbow baby. But the sentiment is still appropriate. While she lived inside of me she did bring hope and light into our life, and since her arrival we have been filled with such love that to strip her of the title of rainbow baby seems so very wrong. She is my rainbow in the sky, and every time i see one i am reminded of her.
2) In the bible God's promises to Noah are indicated by the appearance of a rainbow. Seeing a rainbow has always been a somewhat spiritual experience for me. Perhaps having been raised in the church from a young age, attending Sunday school since i could walk and talk, the bible stories are woven into my psyche. Now whenever catch sight of a rainbow I think of the promises of God, and I know that I will see my Melinda and my Jonathon in Heaven. One day.
Butterflies
There's something about butterflies that draw in angel mums and make us think of our children.
Perhaps it is in the encounter, they flit into our space for but a moment and then as elusive as they arrived they are off again exploring new worlds; finding new adventures. Perhaps it is in their beauty, metamorphosed from such a common looking grub, they are truly one of the masterpieces of the natural world. Or perhaps it is in the similarities of their life; growing as a caterpillar, restricted within a chrysalis, before emerging and taking flight. Yet for all their beauty and miraculous transformation they live such a short time, making each moment with them that much more special. Or maybe its in all of these things and more. Either way, butterflies remind me of Melinda and never fail to bring a smile to my face
Flowers
Something in the delicate nature of a new bloom, its beautiful fragility and soft scent brings to mind everything that is beautiful about babies. Perhaps because we are coming into spring I find the emerging blooms poetic and inspiring. In many cases the trees in my garden were dormant when Melinda was born. Now at the same time as I am walking a path of remembrance and love and personal growth, the warmer weather begins to tease out their buds and rich green foliage. I watch the buds appear and each day I wait for the magical moment when they will open. As each flower emerges i find myself celebrating their appearance, remembering my babies, the instant love we felt upon learning of their existence and of how their lives have caused such love and purpose to bloom in me
For some reason I struggled to write this post today. I'm still not entirely happy with it but I don't know what is "wrong". I guess it is possible that the grief is all a bit to fresh for me to really notice subtle reminders. Because at the moment my whole life revolves around my babies, everything reminds me of them i miss them with my whole self every moment of every day. They are always at the forefront of my mind. I don't actively notice "reminders"because i am never not remembering them. I'm told that over time this will change and then i presume the subtle reminders will be more noticeable in their isolation (if that even makes sense). Nevertheless i have tried to answer as honestly as i can and continue to shed some light on where I am at the moment.
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