Happy Birthday?

 A letter to my son Jonathon.

 
Well my darling baby boy, its now been two years since i last held you and said goodbye. Those years have at times flown by and at other times passed by agonisingly slowly. Every day I think of you and wonder what you are doing. I picture you playing in the clouds with the rest of your angel friends, watching down on us and sending us gifts and signs.Your life has had an incredible impact in so many ways, we love deeper, feel stronger and appreciate the moments for what they are so much more than ever before. Your legacy is one of growth through pain; your death the catalyst for the storm; but your life was the shelter in that storm until finally the storm begins to pass and we now look forward to the rainbow at the end.
I want to thank you for the gift of life you gave to us on what should have been your first birthday last year. As your little sibling grows and moves within me i am reminded of you. Sometimes i find it hard to accept that if you had not died this little baby in my belly would not have existed, its hard to reconcile the feelings of loss with the feelings of love and gratitude. I hope you understand that I will always love you and that this new baby will never be a subsitute or replacement for you.
This morning I was looking through the photos the midwives took of you on the day we first met. Once again i was struck by your pianists fingers and your impossibly long legs, but today through my tears i noticed other little details. Your little knobbly knees, your long skinny arms and your lovely little nose (just like daddy's). You were and are perfect and i am so grateful for the time we got to spend together, just you and me.
Most days i am able to see the bigger picture, the positive impact your life has had on my personal journey and the amazing gifts you keep giving. But today i am simply sad. I miss you terribly my son and i would love to hold you and kiss you one more time.
This morning Eli and i baked you some bumblebee birthday cupcakes and i want to tell you about the conversation we had about them:

Me:"we're going to make a birthday cake"

Eli: "who for?"

me: " for a special little boy who can't be here with us to celebrate his birthday"

Eli: "why can't he be with us"

Me: "because he has already gone to heaven to live with God"

Eli: "but god lives in us"

Me: "yes that's true too"

Eli: "then maybe both god and the little boy live in our hearts forever"

...and do you know what my darling beautiful boy, I believe that at the tender age of 4 she has hit upon the truth with stunning clarity, you do and will live forever in our hearts.

Happy birthday sweetheart
love always Mummy, Daddy, Elianna and Baby
xoxoxo