Because if I'm completely honest there most definitely was a time when I truly didn't think I had it in me to take another breath, I knew neither how to live through this tragedy and nor did i want too. Standing in the shower waiting for my baby to kick and knowing suddenly that she wasn't going to and I would have to find a way to live this nightmare again, the journey I had been on since Jonathon grew his wings flashed through my head and suddenly I was exhausted beyond measure, I couldnt do that again. I barely made it through last time. God i dont want to do this again
A lot of people have told me they are surprised with my strength and i have to say, I certainly don't feel strong. Every day is another day I had planned to spend with my baby and for a moment on waking it hardly seems worth it to get out of bed since she isnt here. But it is worth it. For a number of reasons...
1) This precious little (big) girl
Elianna is a light in our world. She teaches me so much (about compromise and negotiation mostly) but also about enjoying the little things in life, trusting God and remembering Melinda and Jonathon with love rather than sadness. She makes me smile, she makes me laugh (she also makes me sigh and growl sometimes but this is meant to be positive) and she deserves to have a mummy who is not just alive but is present in her life. I was called to be her mummy and she was placed into my care to raise and encourage. And I am so proud of the little girl she has become.
2) This precious baby girl
Great grief is the flip side of great love. My heart is full with love for my baby. That does not go away just because she has. I am proud of her, and I am so grateful I got to have her in my arms even if just for those briefest of days. I am determined that her legacy will not be that i am broken, that i am made weaker or that i miss her too much to breath. For that does not reflect the change she has made in me. My love for her makes me stronger, her legacy will be that she has changed the world, one heart at a time. and that starts with Getting out of bed each morning, and sharing her story in all that i do.
3) My family and friends (i wish i had a photo of all of them together... but Im thinking it wouldn't fit on the screen ;). I've said it before and I'll say it again for good measure. You cannot possible underestimate the power of friendship and family. I made a new friend since Melinda died, another Angel Mum who's daughter Clementine joined Melinda in heaven a few days later. She summed it up for me very eloquently "social support is necessary for survival - people think it is air and food but it is actually social support" and i agree completely.
4) This will come as no surprise but my faith is the fourth thing that keeps me going (I probably should have listed it first... but you know... its the big finish ;). My story is not over yet and because my story continues Melinda and Jonathon are woven into the fabric of my life. Melinda's passing has deepened my faith in a way that has surprised me. God speaks into my heart and my life daily, reminding me of the person he has designed me to be and the promises he has in store. I know that this experience will bring about changes and have effects that i cannot even imagine... and I'm not getting of this ride until i reach the final destination.
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