Happy Angelversary to you my son
Jonathon Fulton Currie was born at 5pm on the 28th of may 2011
beautiful son of Kath and Steve,
Little brother to Elianna Faith
Grandson to Dianne, Anne, Kevin, Michael, Stella, Alan and Sandra
Nephew of Julie, Ian, Lisa, Michael, Michelle and Pete
Cousin to Claudia and Byron
One year ago today a new little angel arrived in heaven
he left behind a family that loved him and wanted him so very much
a family that still misses him so much and asks why he had to leave so soon.
I feel lost today.
Although a year has passed since we said goodbye, his first angelversary has arrived with a sudden thud and it seems like just yesterday that we were marvelling over his perfect tiny fingers and toes, his likeness to Elianna as a baby and his startling blue eyes. I miss him so completely and my arms feel particularly empty today.
I don't know if anyone will even remember his birthday today. To the world outside of my family its as though he never existed. How can something that was so alive and so loved never have existed? as my belly swelled with his growth my heart swelled with love for him and the first times i felt his wriggly little movements i thought my heart would burst it was so full and overflowing. i wonder sometimes if i would have done things differently if i had known these moments with him were the only ones i would have with him alive? i know i would have talked to him more and sung to him more; hugged him more and cherished each moment ever so much more. i would have made sure that he left this world in no doubt whatsoever of how completely he was loved.
(this is one of the pictures we had taken at the hospital- of Jonathon and my wedding and engagement rings. i hope that no-one is offended by my posting it. i tried to pick the least confronting one)Everything happened so quickly at the hospital on the day he was born and i have many regrets. i regret not holding my boy in my bare hands, kissing his head or cuddling him. i regret that we didn't get any photos of jonathon with his mummy and daddy. i regret that we didnt have a usb stick to get digital copies of the only photos we would ever have of our son (policy was that they are deleted from the hospital's computer upon disharge). i regret that our family and friends couldnt meet him, that we didnt understand that we could have a funeral for him, that we didnt have a priest or pastor come and bless him. That we didnt know we could bring him home. that i didnt think of burying him in a big pot and planting a rose for him (all i could think was that we were in a rental and we couldnt bury him in the backyard and plant a rose for him there) that we left our son there at that hospital with no-one who loved him to be "disposed" of. That i regret most of all.
I wish i could tell him im sorry, i wish he was here so that i didnt have to tell him how sorry i am.
If i could send him a letter to heaven this is what it would say...
My Darling Boy
I miss you
Today is your birthday, the day you were born into this world, but you had already grown your wings and left us. You were such a cute little baby. the midwives took many photos of you after you were born and in some of them you looked so cheeky it makes me smile to look upon them.
We named you Jonathon after your daddy's uncle John and because of its meaning "God has given", God had nudged me to name you this when i was only 6 weeks pregnant and scared that i was losing you as i was bleeding. i dont know why you were only "given" to us for such a short time, i can only trust that God had other plans for us both. Your middle name is Fulton because that is your daddy's middle name, traditionally given to first born Currie sons.
We had a feeling you were a boy from the very beginning. They say that boy and girl pregnancies are different and this was certainly the case for us. i started feeling morning sickness and throwing up from around 6 weeks pregnant (with your sister that didnt start until i was 12 weeks along). i was very very tired all the time and my heart raced a lot (it felt as though i was very excited ALL of the time- which of course i was a lot). we dreamed about our life ahead of us. i worried that i wouldnt know how to raise a son, even basic things like changing boy's nappies seemed so strange, let alone how to raise you to be a strong, confident loving gentleman. But i knew we would do a great job as your daddy was made to raise children and i was excited to see the father-son bond develop between you.
The first ultrasound we had where we saw you i was about 7 weeks pregnant, i had been nervous that you would not be there but the sight of your little heart beating so strongly instantly calmed my fears and i knew you were okay. Elianna came into the room with us and we explained that there was a baby in my tummy and that soon she would have a baby brother or sister. she seemed to understand and said hello to you and waved goodbye to your picture when the machine was turned off. We had another ultrasound at 14 weeks to take some measurements and you made us smile when you wouldn't stay still and the sonographer struggled to take your measurements accurately. cheeky boy <3
I started to feel there might be something wrong the week we moved to Melbourne but as we left our home in Newcastle for the last time i felt you move for the first time as though you were saying hello and telling me everything would be ok. Maybe you were really saying goodbye? Im sorry i didnt follow my instincts and go to see me Dr straight away. Maybe things would be different then?
My heart was heavy when we arrived in Melbourne. i was sad to leave our friends and family behind in Newcastle and i couldnt shake the feeling that something wasnt right with you. i know now that the feeling was accurate and that you were already starting to grow your angel wings. Two weeks later we went in for the next ultrasound and our world fell apart when they told us you had died. Where at the previous ultrasound you were stretching and wriggling non-stop this time the picture showed that you were completely still and curled up on yourself as though trying to keep warm. Im so sorry i couldnt keep you warm my baby. Sorry i couldnt keep you safe.
I think i wanted you so very much that my body wouldnt let you go, my love wrapped you up, trying to keep you safe in my womb. Even though you had died a week or so before there was no sign that my body had realised it and i had to go to the hospital to be induced so that i could give birth to you. that was a hard day. we were in the mternity ward, listening to all the other baby's who were born on your birthday, crying their first cries and being comforted by their mummy's and daddy's. i wish i could have comforted you.
when you were born we were overwhelmed with your beauty. i was struck by how much you were like your big sister, but also scared of touching you too much, you seemed so fragile. the nurses took your photos, some with mummy and daddy's wedding rings, a symbol of the love with which you were created. i look at those photos and wonder at you my beautiful son. they gave you and me a matching little blue teddy and promised me that you would have your teddy with you wherever you went in this world. We left you there then my son. im so sorry we didnt take you home. it wasnt that we didnt love you. i hope you know that.
Whenever i think of you now i imagine you in heaven surrounded by those loved ones who have gone before us. i think of you playing with all the other angel babies. In a happy love filled place, with no fear or worry safe in the knowledge that one day we will be together. I hope that that is true. i hope you are happy.
i love you so much
so very much
more than anyone could imagine.
i cant wait to meet you again, to hug you close and tell you this in person
you are precious. you are valued. you are loved
hugs and kisses from me to you my little boy
love mummy
xooxooxxo
