Our Son Jonathon- part one

i have tried to write this post a number of times, but as i couldn't see the keyboard or screen through the tears i have waited until i can think of my son without immediately bursting into tears. to tell Jonathon's story properly i will start from the very beginning...

Back in November 2010 i noticed that Elianna was getting to the point that she was fairly independent and no longer "needed" mummy to be there beside her 24/7. Around the same time i realised that i no longer thought of a second child with trepidation, in fact we were both quite looking forward to another baby sometime in the future. Thus it seemed to us that it was TIME to start trying for a brother or sister for Elianna. Given the nearly 2 years of heartache it took for us to conceive Elianna we thought we might as well start trying right away. 3 cycles later, in February, we got lucky and i got my first positive pregnancy test at just 3 weeks and 4 days a week and a bit after Elianna's 2nd birthday.

  Needless to say we were ecstatic, our EDD was 30th October and my life felt so blessed and perfect- apart from the disappointment of not being able to go on the rides at the theme parks during our family holiday to the Gold coast in September lol - in my defence last time we went i missed out too as i was newly pregnant with Elianna- and i couldn't even live vicariously through Steve as he hates roller coasters. Dark clouds arrived around 2 weeks later when i started to bleed, i was devastated thinking it was all over before it even began. lots of prayer and support later i had a scan at just over 6 weeks and there was my baby, with its beautiful heartbeat beating away strongly. Elianna was fascinated at the scan, even more so when she was told she was seeing the baby in mummy's tummy "bye bye baby" she waved as the sonographer switched off the screen. the bleeding stopped shortly after and i began to relax, finally believing that this baby would be fine.

   a couple of weeks later Steve received a job offer involving our move to Melbourne and we eventually agreed that we should move our growing family to Melbourne for an adventure (not necessarily for ever). so began a busy month of organising a home, movers and saying goodbye to my best friends and greatest support in Newcastle and the central coast. During this time my best friend was due to have her baby and i went up to Coffs to help in whatever way i could. It was my first overnight away from Elianna but i was able to console myself with the fact that one of my children was with me and in a few short month's she would have to be apart from me while i gave birth to her little brother or sister. My friend's beautiful baby girl finally arrived and i was enraptured by her, holding her shattered the final piece of doubt that i was ready for another baby- i WANTED THIS! Upon my return from Coffs i had the NT scan at 13 week. once again there was our baby rolling and waving about. the sonographer even had difficulty pinning down the NT measurement as the bub just wouldn't stop moving lol. After that i had just two short weeks before we were to leave for Melbourne and lots of work to do before we were ready to go. those two weeks were so busy that i barely thought about my pregnancy, knowing that everything was ok in the scan had set my mind at ease. it wasn't until everything was loaded on the truck and the keys to the house handed over that i found myself wondering about my pregnancy.

  i was 15.5 weeks by then and i hadn't felt any convincing movements yet. after that thought entered my head i couldn't shake it and spent every spare moment thinking about it, trying to feel my uterus and trying to work out if my tummy was growing. the feeling of dread descended, although i tried to block it out. i reminded myself of the prayers back in the early weeks of the pregnancy and of the reassurances i felt from God that everything was okay and everything would be fine. by then end of the next week i had worked myself up into a tizzy of uncertainty and found myself a nearby GP and made an appointment for the following monday when i would be 17 weeks and 2 days pregnant. the interceding weekend was a bit better as i knew i would have some answers on the monday. although i had fears i still fully expected to hear that everything was fine and that i was worrying about nothing. After all i had had no bleeding or cramping, in fact no sign whatsoever that anything was wrong- other than mother's intuition i guess. at the appointment the GP took my blood pressure: fine, my temperature: fine, measured my fundal height and palpated my uterus, both fine. he then pulled out his little handheld Doppler and had a go at finding the heartbeat. before he tried he told us that he may not be able to find it this early and that we shouldn't worry as it would be more a reflection of his skill. So when he couldn't find the heartbeat my heart dropped to my gut but i tried not to let myself worry too much. i had a Midwife appointment at the hospital the next day, she would be able to find it i was sure.

we left him with a referral for the morphology scan at 18-20 weeks, the next morning we all got up very early and fought with the traffic to get out to sunshine hospital for our 8:30 appointment. however the appointment didn't go at all like i had expected. the Midwife only asked questions and wrote notes, not one element of practical checking of my pregnancy. she didn't even try to use the doppler. as we left the appointment i was upset and asked steve to see if he could book in the morphology scan early as i couldn't handle living another 2 weeks with the uncertainty. Much to my relief we got an appointment for that thursday morning.

Thursday 26/5/11
Thursday morning i woke up with a sense of relief, today i would see my baby, know it was fine and maybe even find out the sex. i still had that dread in the pit of my stomach but the hope i felt was stronger that day. we went in the scan and were immediately disappointed as the angry sonographer said we shouldn't have came in this early for a 18 week scan, that he wouldn't do it til 20 weeks. i started to cry at the thought of another 2 weeks in limbo and we asked him to please just do a quick scan and tell us everything was ok. he grudgingly agreed and we got down to business. i knew something was wrong as soon as the picture came up. every other time i have always been able to identify the heartbeat immediately but there was no sign of it at all. my baby was curled up as though cold or in pain. my heart broke. the sonographer confirmed our worst fears moments later. although i was 17 weeks 4 days pregnant, my baby was only measuring 15 weeks 3 days. our baby had passed away in the days before we moved, and i hadn't even known.

 i don't know how long we sat there crying, i couldn't believe that after all of his promises God had still decided to take my baby back, i was angry and hurt and heartbroken. Just broken in general really. the rest of the day was a tear stained blur, i returned to the GP to get a referral to the hospital and get the necessary blood tests started. my GP advised us to present to the ED the next morning. After ringing the hospital when we got home they were more understanding and took us in hand. they made an ultrasound appoint for the next morning for us to have a final confirmation and said that i would be induced in the birthing suite on the Friday.