How are you doing?

I probably get asked this question at least once a day by every person i speak to lately... usually i answer in a manner so as to ensure the person asking doesn't feel uncomfortable or upset "i'm doing okay, have my bad days, but you know... i'm fine" I sometimes wonder how it would go down if i answered truthfully...

i am grief striken. i can be so overwhelmed by the grief that at night when everyone is in bed i cannot sleep for the pain from the lump in my throat and the uncomfortable wetness on my pillow. i'm not fine, i'm sad. But i am also a good actor, i can pretend for months if necessary that i'm fine. Even though i'm not.

I feel angry. I don't really even know who i am angry at... God? the universe? myself? All i know is that i am, at times, consumed with RAGE. Blood boiling anger at this whole situation and the unfairness of it all. In my more rational moments i am uncomfortably aware that there is no-one on this planet that deserves to have this happen, but at times i'm just so filled with the "why me?" of it all.

I feel empty. The physical emptiness of my womb is a constant reminder of the loss of our son. The hole in my soul is even harder to ignore. Where i once felt filled with God's love i now struggle to maintain that same level of faith. When once I felt so totally blessed by God, had immense faith in his love for me and his willingness to hear and answer my prayers, i now feel like he turned away when i needed him most... and that hurts. I'm trying to find the meaning in this... but i don't understand. I still believe in God and all his promises.. but maybe they're for other people.

 I feel resentment toward my many beautiful pregnant friends and my other wonderful friends with new babies- which is so very unfair on them. Every status update about how their pregnancy is progressing, their birth announcements, their excited countdowns, proud reporting of milestones reached and even just descriptions of everyday events serve as daily reminders that we won't be making these announcements nor will we experience these moments of joy and excitement. Our journey is over already; we didn't get to bring home our son and wonder at him as he grew. Each and every time i read something new about babies and pregnancy its like a needle to the heart. I know that its unfair of me to feel resentful toward them, they have every right to enjoy their pregnancy and celebrate their babies, indeed they SHOULD as their babies should be celebrated and enjoyed. To be even more contrary i would be hurt if they decided NOT to share these things with me, as i would feel excluded and outcast. (Rock <=> me <=>hard place). Today at the zoo I walked past so many pregnant women and it was like a physical pain in my heart, i resented them for their healthy rounded tummies and contented little smiles. THAT SHOULD BE ME!

 I feel like a failure. physically i feel like my body has failed me. Failed Steve, failed Jonathon and failed even Elianna. Failed to provide the promised son, brother, grandson, nephew and friend. Failed to look after my son. i feel like i must be somehow broken, not in good working order, defective, defunct and damaged.

I feel cheated out of my healthy baby. Cheated that i paid the price of morning sickness, unhealthy food cravings, reducing my exercise, the resulting weight gain, tiredness, crabbyness for 18 weeks of pregnancy and now... nothing. Most people won't even recognise that we've had a death in a family. In the last two weeks our loss has been lumped into the same category as gall stones and boil lancing, i feel cheated out of proper mourning, for a "proper" baby. I know people will expect us to "get over it" eventually. how do you "get over" something like this. We are eternally changed, altered inside so much that i am surprised that people cannot tell just by looking at us.

I feel guilty. When i tell a concerned friend that "i'm doing ok" i often truly think i am... then i stop myself and think HOW? how can you be ok? its only been 2 weeks! When i laugh, when i am happy, when i go for longer than i think i should without thinking about my son, i am overwhelmed with guilt. How can i be happy? my son is dead! i should be mourning him. Part of me wants to get out there and enjoy life with my girl and my man and maybe even try for another baby.

I feel so conflicted. i cannot replace jonathon, nor would i try...but i want to be "normal" i want this never to have happened, but since thats not possible i want sometimes just to pretend it didn't.... and then on comes the guilt, right on cue.

I feel terrified that i may never get another chance to hold a baby that i have conceived, nourished and carried for 10 months.

 i feel sadened that i will never have a carefree pregnancy. i will never again feel that there is a "safe point" in pregnancy after which your baby's health is guaranteed. Hearing a heartbeat WILL NOT reassure me,

....and then i feel guilty about making this about me and my future when Jonathon hasn't got one...

Finally i feel hopeful, sometimes when i sing a song, or play with Eli, or laugh with Steve, talk with a friend, or buy something pretty. i feel hopeful that my life won't always be a constant tightrope walk between how i think people want me to act and the total and utter dispair that beckons off the other side. One day i will smile and laugh without guilt. i will think of Jonathon with sadness, not dispair and i will hold another baby in my arms who i can tell all about their big brother who watches over them from heaven... one day

  So many emotions all a whirly gig inside my head. All day. Everyday. i'm reminded of a line from a Harry Potter book (of all places). In the story Hermione is explaining why Cho cried when Harry kissed her and Ron replies "no one can feel that all at once, they'd explode!" and i think yes, yes they would wouldn't they?

Perhaps thats what this blog today is... my relief valve... sharing through the written word to prevent an explosion later.

Edited to add: I looked back over the list above and i feel very self-indulgent. there are many people in this world who have suffered far worse than i. and for that i am truly sorry :( Perhaps if i can help one other person who has suffered a loss like ours to feel "normal" then maybe its okay to be selfish sometimes? ...