our son Jonathon - Part 2

Friday
Friday morning saw an early trip out to the airport to pick up Steve's mum who had booked a last minute flight the night before so that she could be here for Eli. The last thing we wanted was for poor Eli to be stuck with us at the hospital while we waited for things to happen. Our new pastor then arrived, having taken the day off work, to drive us out to the hospital. once at the hospital we went straight to radiology for our ultrasound. even though i knew that my baby had died i couldn't smother that final glimmer of hope that they had gotten it wrong. consequently the moment when it was confirmed was almost as heartbreaking as the day before. now i KNEW :(

We were sent up to the delivery suite to be induced but once there we were told that we would have to go home and come back the next day as they only had a couple of spare rooms and they had to be saved in case a labouring "mother" came in. this was all too much. i broke down crying and we asked if there was any other option. they were firm in their stance and we were sent home, the nightmare continuing... the only hope we had was that they promised not to bump us from the list unless they had no other choice. the next morning we woke at 6am to ring the delivery suites to see if they had room for us. once again the birthing rooms were all full but the mum's in them were in active labour so we were to ring back in a few hours. Finally at 8:30 we were given the okay to come in. by 9:30 i was in a labour room and being administered the first dose of misoprostal (initially a drug used to treat gastric ulcers that they discovered caused premature labour in pregnant women). After having a cannula (sp?) inserted and at least 12 vials of blood taken so they could begin investigating why this happened i was left alone. they told us it could take a few doses 6 hours apart for it to work.

we stayed in that room for the next hours, listening to the labouring mothers in the other rooms, interspersed with the cries of newborn bubbas, the cries we would never hear. The differences in our circumstances was stark. i was surprised to note that i felt no resentment towards the other mum's, even in my complete despair i could remember the joy of Elianna's birth and be happy for the new families being formed that day. by around 2:30 i was starting to feel some pressure and my waters broke. our hopes lifted, maybe this nightmare experience would be over soon and we could begin to heal. unfortunately it seemed that was not the case. After the breaking of my waters everything stopped. although my next dose of misoprostal was due at 3:30 it wasn't until 4:30 that a OB could be found to administer it. at that point she found that i was less than 1cm dilated, not at all effaced, in effect not ready to birth my baby. she left us saying she would be back in 6 hours.

Our son Jonathon was born at 5:15 It is all too raw to write the details of the labour and birth, suffice it to say it was as painful as Elianna's labour only more difficult as i didn't have hope to sustain me. Jonathon had Blue eyes, long legs and was absolutely perfect. His fingers were exactly like Elianna's, so long and delicate, a pianist's fingers. he weighed a mere 20 grams and could fit into my hand. his face, already beautiful, had my nose and Steve's brow line. the curve from his back to his legs was so reminiscent of his big sister as a baby that i can hardly bear to think that i won't ever change his nappy. we have so much love for our son, our beautiful little boy. we wanted him so much. there is a hole in our lives where he should be.

today i should be feeling kicks, and dreaming of his future. instead i am heartbroken that i will never hear him call me mummy, that Eli will never meet her little brother who i know she would have loved so very much, i won't get to breastfeed my baby and have the pride that comes with nourishing him and keeping him healthy. instead i have failed to keep him safe, the one thing he needed from me i couldn't give him and now he is gone and i can never make amends. i wanted to post the photos that the midwives took for us of our beautiful son but i didn't want to open him up to ridicule. if you would like to see him please let me know as I'd love to show you him... in time. thank you for sharing my journey. thus far one of heartbreak, hopefully in the future it will be one of healing and hope. i just can't see that road yet...