To be fair its probably been a while coming given her parting words to me were "you just don't seem to have time for anyone but Lisa anymore." That hurt. One thing I pride myself on is being a good friend and being there for my friends. Normally this kind of comment would have me rushing to fix things and smooth things over with the injured party. I hate the thought that someone doesn't like me, it sits in that uncomfortable place under my ribs until I do something about it. But I've come to accept that sometimes it isn't about me. its about them and what they have going on. All I need to do is stay true to myself, true to my beliefs and my needs and I will be okay. Just another lesson from my little angel
Still it hurt to lose a friend. As usual I thought about it from her point of view for a moment. Although she came in to meet Melinda at the hospital, I haven't seen or spoken to her in person since that day 9 and a half weeks ago. There are some moderately big things going on in her life at the moment, including an illness in the family and a resulting move interstate that I am aware she doesn't really want to make. She probably needed a friend to talk to in the past few weeks, and normally I would have reached out to her. But I've been a bit busy mourning my beautiful daughter. And that is okay. I pray that someone will come forward to help her as she needs it, but I accept that it cannot be me at this time.
What stuck with me in the days since is the terrible feeling that perhaps more of my friends could be feeling this way. I have spoken to other Angel mums and I have discovered that this is a common complaint from friends after an undefined period of time has passed since the loss of their child. Apparently grief has an expiry date?? Thankfully I am blessed to be loved by an amazing group of friends both online and IRL who support me unconditionally, who have allowed my grief to proceed organically and are simply there with a hug or a thoughtful message... But i am aware that there are some friends who cannot and will not ever understand. That they may be feeling neglected or feel that I don't rate them as important enough to spend time with or to answer the phone to. And that is so far from the truth, but I also understand that without me talking about it and sharing how I am feeling that they will never know that.
I realise that from the outside looking in, at photos on Facebook, at conversations with some people... I may look like I'm okay. Like everything is back to normal. Yes, there are photos of me smiling. Yes, I have laughed in the last 9 weeks. Yes I am getting out running and cycling and generally taking an interest in my health again. But No, I am far from okay. I am however coping .
Everytime I see another baby and my mind flashes to Melinda and what we would be doing now... I make the decision to cope, to smile and to remember the hope a new baby brings... no matter how much that hurts.
Everytime I spend time with pregnant friends and laugh with them and support and encourage them in the face of their very real worries... I make the decision to cope and to put aside my own feelings to be there in this time of need (especially since i feel responsible for a lot of the worry)
Everytime I walk past Melinda's fully set up nursery and feel the urge to sit in there for hours sobbing at the injustice of it all.... I make the decision to cope. To go on living.
And often the decision isn't an easy one. Often its just too hard to keep coping ALL THE TIME and sometimes i break. i cry, i rage, i throw things, i hibernate inside and ignore texts and phone calls. But then i make that decision in honour of my babies in heaven... the decision to cope. Melinda and Jonathon are not here, but by living my life to the fullest they will live on in my every footstep, in every smile or laugh, every single time i make the decision to live I will honour them.
Losing Melinda has been impossbly hard but it has shown me what is important in life, the things i cannot live without... My family, My friends and most of all My Faith.
Faith in a loving Father in heaven who has amazing plans for my life. Who is already using my love for my daughter and this pain I am experiencing to make big changes in my life, to help me see who i am and who i want to be, to give me purpose again. That still small voice inside that says, don't give up, My promise awaits you...
...stay tuned I'm going to do great things through He who strengthens me...
but while i am not giving up there are and will still be times that i fall, stumbling over my grief, stuck in the whys? and hows? overcome by the sadness of the empty pram, the silence in the night. However, I am determined to keep getting up again. Determined to leave a legacy that my children will be proud of
So to my friends whose phone calls i have not answered.
To my friends whose texts i haven't replied to
To everyone who sent a card of sympathy or support
To everyone who came to the funeral and brought a bear for the sibling bears program
I am sorry I have not answered your calls or replied to your messages or sent the thank you cards i keep meaning to write. I appreciate you and I thank you for thinking of me and reaching out to say you are there
Please be patient with me. I'm just trying to work out how this life works without my baby here. I promise i will keep fighting and surviving and one day i will answer that phone.
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