We have this ridiculous expectation of perfection in our
society,
The perfect job
The perfect house
The perfect car
The perfect pregnancy
The perfect family
The perfect holiday
Perfect hair, skin, diet, body, outfit
Perfect mother, perfect child, perfect schedule
These things define our level of success as determined by a
society that is a fickle as it is judgemental. And too often they define our
opinion of ourselves. So often I hear my family and friends expressing that
they do not feel like they are “enough”. Not skinny enough, not smart enough,
not rich enough, not good enough. Their house isn’t tidy enough, their kids don’t
behave enough, they don’t answer the phone enough, they’re not happy enough. And
I want to hug them with one of those endorphin releasing, lasting longer than
30seconds, hugs and tell them they are enough. Just as they are; they are
enough!
We’ve all heard the quip that comparing yourself with
someone on facebook is like comparing their highlight reel with your backstage.
Its apples and oranges. But we all do it to some extent. We all compare
ourselves to others and come up lacking. Whether it’s the other mother whose
toddler sits calmly in his stroller looking at a book while mum shops, meanwhile
this mum has abandoned their stroller three shops back as they ran after their Houdini
child who has learnt how to release themselves from the buckles and can run
faster than you’d believe possible. Or the dad whose child is struggling to
read as well as their peers, or a runner whose glow of a new PB fades rapidly
upon the news that someone else has done the same distance 10 minutes faster,
while pushing a double pram with two 20kg toddlers, tackling a business call
and juggling a latte and posts a photo looking daisy fresh with the two
sleeping cherubs in the background. It is human nature to compare, and indeed
it can provide helpful feedback when the observations are objective. Which they
rarely are; because we are emotional beings, us humans.
I believe that even some of the words used to compliment in
today’s society speak to this epidemic of comparison; “you are so strong” “you
are so smart” “have you lost weight?”. I have heard the first one a lot in the
past year; my typical response is “I don’t feel strong” And I absolutely recognize
that the comment comes from a place of relief that I haven’t ceased functioning,
or from a place of encouragement or even acknowledgement that my journey has
been impossibly hard. But I don’t feel strong, and I certainly do not believe
that my friends who have struggled to get out of bed, or face a day, or even my
friend who could not continue to face life, are weak in comparison. We are all
just making the choices we can make with the resources at our disposal.
I have been blessed with amazing pastors and church family
who support and encourage my faith journey and encourage my hope in Christ. I
have been blessed with a husband who supports me constantly and without
hesitation, a group of best friends who remind me I am loved and valued at every
opportunity they get. Two Pregnancy support/friendship groups from July 2013
who have become fast and firm friends, who always remember my daughter and who
go out of their way to hold me up. I also have a community of Angel mums who
know exactly what it is like to live through this, who are there with advice
and encouragement and a great big hug and who can reassure me that the days and
years do get easier. These are where my strength comes from. Not from me, but
from God and those who hold me up, who lift me up when I fall and who cheer me
on when I try those wobbly steps on my own. I am not strong. My community is
strong. And I am blessed.
Elianna gets the second as a compliment a lot “you are so smart!”
and she absolutely is clever, I am constantly blown away with some of the
skills she has learnt this year at school. But I am more impressed at the
effort she puts in. She diligently reads to myself or Steve every single night.
At the moment she is learning spelling because she finished learning all of her
sets of sight words before the end of last term. And she practices, and tries
even when she doesn’t get it the first time, she tries again and again until
she knows how to spell it. She gets discouraged sometimes but to see her work
it out fills me with so much pride. She is amazing. And she works really hard. But
so do some of the other children in her class, even the ones who are still
reading level 2 books and are on their fourth set of sight words, they are
reading every night and practising their sight words. It just doesn’t come as
naturally to them as it does to Elianna. They deserve as much encouragement praise
as she does and yet no one is telling them how clever they are? How is that
fair? And what message does it send? That your effort is only worthwhile if you
are the best? If you are perfect?
“Have you lost weight?” I hear this thrown around as a
compliment quite a lot, and in fact I am guilty of this one, even had it a bit
myself (sometimes when I have in fact gained weight) but somehow it has become
a universally “nice” thing to say to someone, especially if they, like me, are
a little on the heavy side or have battled with their weight in the past. Because
our society says thin/toned = beautiful = worthy. Usually it is coupled with a
huge smile of greeting and a “you look amazing/terrific/great etc” and that
sure is lovely to hear… but why do we need the association with weight to
validate the compliment. Can’t we just say “you look lovely” or better yet,
steer away from comments on physical appearance at all and try “it is great/awesome/wonderful
to see you?” because if the sole compliment exchanged in a meeting with a
friend is based around appearance, what is the underlying message? … I “see”
you, validate you, when you are thin/look good… What about those days when you
rush out the door without a moment to run a brush through your hair? Or you’ve put
on a bit of weight (for whatever reason, who cares why), or you have had a few
rough nights with not enough sleep… those tend to be the days you need a great
big friendly smile of greeting, reminding you that someone is pleased to see
you. No matter your physical appearance.
Now to be clear I am absolutely not refuting the need to be
healthy, to look after our body, nourishing it physically, mentally and
spiritually. It is important to be healthy, I just question the motivation that
drives weight-loss in many situations. Too many of us link our self-worth to
our outward appearance. Labelling ourselves as lazy and/or worthless; because we
have internalised this idea based on our lifetime of experiences with this
relationship between perfection and worthiness. You are more worthy if that number
on the scale is lower???… I personally struggle with this one and overcoming
this association is a huge challenge. In an attempt to re-write my internal
dialogue I have figuratively “thrown out the scales” I try to remind myself
daily that my goal is to be fit and healthy, to be a role-model for my daughter.
I am not happy when I am on a restrictive diet, skipping social engagements to
avoid temptation, refusing cake at birthdays, this is not what I want for
myself. We only get to live one life; I don’t want to spend it without cake. I really
like cake! And eating a piece of cake does not make me unworthy… no matter what
that little voice says.
Today we learnt that the world has lost a very special
person. A man who many of us grew up laughing at, tackled controversial issues
and entered new worlds with, and inspired us to explore our own imaginations. It
appears that the comedian Robin Williams has taken his own life at 63 years old
after a battle with depression. I cannot imagine what it would be like to
battle this black dog in the public eye, especially as a comedian, whose job
depends upon making people laugh. The public expectations would be huge. And of
course I am not suggesting that anyone would not be sympathetic to his plight. But
the thing I have learnt in my journey over the past few years is that some people
will turn away from your sadness or depression because they don’t want you to
bring them down, or as I have been told a number of times “I don’t want to feel
sad right now”. I feel that pressure. To smile, to pretend, to be perfectly
okay. But boy is that lonely. To know that its not enough to be yourself. Is
this how Robin felt? That he wasn’t enough? I don’t know what brought him to the
point that he could no longer survive his inner turmoil, where he had lost all
hope of a brighter future. I am sure his wife and children felt he was enough,
believed in him, loved him as he was, just as reported by so many survivors of
suicide who have lost loved ones. So how did he/ how do we end up so out of
touch with the truth? (rhetorical question, I wish I had the answer…)
Scientific advances have shown us that depression and anxiety (far from
being just a case of the mopes or the sads, as believed in the past) is a serious
medical illness that has impacts upon physical and mental health (http://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression).
A condition that can be caused in part by chemical imbalances in the brain or
in part by the reinforcing of maladaptive thought process and the brain
connections involved. Thoughts of unworthiness, helplessness and hopelessness. And
sometimes thoughts that life is not worth living. Onset can be sudden,
progression can be sudden, loss of life even more sudden still. And devastating,
always devastating.
Unworthiness. Helplessness. Hopelessness.
These words strike me at my core, because they have been me
at various times throughout my life. Having experienced the loss of two very
much loved ones to suicide, my heart breaks at the suffering they experienced
to bring them to that point. And I will forever wonder if there is more I could
have done, something I could have said or sent that could have changed that
outcome. I am sure I am not the only one in this situation. And we will never
know, because there are no do-overs in life and death. We cannot bring them
back.
But there are things we can do to affect change for the
future, to just maybe change the fate of the Shannon’s and the Kristy’s of
tomorrow, next month, next year, next generation.
The first and most important thing I believe we can do is to
turn our back on society expectations and pressures to be “perfect” and love
ourselves. Daily do something kind for ourselves, affirm our worthiness, refute
negative self-talk and set realistic and kind goals for ourselves based upon
what we really want out of life. I’ve definitely found this to be a case of
easier said than done, as my psychologist would attest, … but I am working on
it.
The second step is to teach our next generation about true
worth and value. Our children model our behaviour. So teach them to love
themselves and others, without judgement or reservation. Teach them the value
of making mistakes and trying again. Teach them that they have power, to help
themselves and to change their own and others circumstances. Teach them
forgiveness, both for themselves and to others
The third step is to change how we relate to the persons we
encounter daily:
- Practise kindness- return a smile to that frowning cashier; hold the door open for the person behind you, pre-pay a coffee for someone. This one is easy. Perhaps we could even set a goal of one RAOK (random act of kindness) per day
- Practise thoughtfulness- let those you love know that you love them. It is not possible to over-do this. I repeat… it is not possible to over-love or over-value someone. Build them up, Especially if they are vulnerable due to grief, depression, anxiety or other stressors. Simple things you can do are send them a card just because, cook a meal for them to freeze, check in with a text message, remember dates that may be triggering for them and let them know you’ve remembered. Be there for them, call them (if you are not phone phobic like me), catch up for a cup of tea, and listen, never underestimate the power of listening.
- Leave your ego at the door- Sometimes you have to set aside your own feelings, remember it is not always about you. They may not return your call or they may refuse your invitation for a few weeks before agreeing to meet up but this doesn’t mean your efforts are not appreciated. It may just mean they are not up for leaving the house, or there may be some other obstacle motivating their silence or refusal. Don’t give up on them; you may be the only person still trying.
- Be patient- If they have a mental or physical illness or even if they are going through a tough time; don’t rush them or use tough-love tactics. Be understanding, listen to them and validate them. Help them to find their own hope in the situations but make every attempt not to trivialise their issues. While it may be true that someone has it better or worse, it doesn’t negate the pain or stress of the situation your friend may be in.
Now it comes time for me to post this on my blog. And I’m
not entirely happy with it, some of the thoughts haven’t come out right and I’m
sure there is much I have not included that should be in there. Normally at
this point I would archive the post to come back to it and edit it until I considered
it “perfect” but not today. In support of my goal of not being “perfect” I am
going to post it as is and I know that there is always going to be opportunity to
come back and add another post to clarify or discuss. I’m only human after-all.
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