Anything Worth having is worth fighting for- part two: the decision

My post in June finished with me asking the question. What's the point of having faith in a loving God when he chooses to allow such suffering into my life? Most people would agree that permitting suffering isn't the first characteristic you think of when describing someone who loves you. I battled along alone for a while and it really tore me up from the inside. As one of my (non-christian) friends observed, my faith is/was intricately wound unto my self-identity and without it I was finding it difficult to know who I was anymore, let alone who God was. After a couple of weeks of sitting/standing mutely in church each Sunday, refusing to pray and avoiding as much as i could anyone who wanted to pray for me i realised i had a decision to make.

In the indelible words of Chris O'Donnell in The Bachelor it was time to "shit or get off the pot"

I either had to accept that God is a real and ever-present loving father who hurts when i hurt and rejoices when i rejoice, or i had to turn and walk away from God, Faith, the church. Because there is no point in believing in, or worshiping a God who doesn't care.

I thought this should be easy i'll just issue God an ultimatum, either he does SOMETHING to my heart so that i can see how me he loves me, or i walk. simple. i mean for a God who can and does do miracles, surely this is child's play. so i waited. and i waited some more. i thought, come on! you elected to harden the pharoh's heart against the Jews, surely you can come and soften mine? Its not that hard! all i want is some incontrivertable proof that you exist!... you are the alpha and the omega, the begining and the end, nothing is impossible for you!!!

... wait a minute... incontrivertable proof by its very nature is unassailable, concrete and observable...  but that would mean that i would have no choice but to believe..., i would have knowledge, not faith... taking away my free will to turn my back on you. I don't want a God who removes my free-will! Its no fun giving a gift if its not given freely.

Bugger! thats not going to work then is it?

Not so easy after all.

i was back at square one. How do i make this decision? the logisist in me wants a list of pros and cons for each side of the coin, then you just compare them and simple, decision made... but life's not like that. All pros and cons aren't created equal, and this isn't about something as trivial as buying a washing machine, this decsion will affect all of the relationships in my life, surely it will change the course of my life. It cannot come down to a simple list.

so what does is come down to?

in the end it isn't about making the decision, its about the commitment. i guarantee you i could be happy without God in my life, thousands do it everyday.

 BUT. I. DON'T, WANT. TO.

Ultimately it came down to a heart decision, not a head decision. My head tells me it doesn't really matter what i decide, my heart tells me nothing matters more. So i've decided to step out in faith, accepting that i cannot know the inner workings of my God, i cannot know why such suffering is allowed be inflicted upon so many, but i can know he loves me, i can know that he promises me eternal life and happiness. So I've decide that i'm going to seek these rewards.

My life is about whatever i chose to focus on. If i chose to focus on the hurt and the anger and the resentment that losing Jonathon inspired in my heart, i am not doing myself any favours. I am not doing Jonathon's memory any favours. The loss of my precious boy is raw and aching and i don't know when that will change. I do know that i want to think of my son as something good that happened to me, a blessing. A blessing of my own choice. I choose to believe that he was sent to me for a reason, i don't know why he was taken so soon, only God does. Since i choose to believe in a loving God i must therefore believe that God's way is best. so even though i don't understant his death i will use it as inspiration to persue a heart based faith- what greater gift could a son give his mother?