tomorrow we go back to the place where all our precious memories of Jonathon were formed.
The hospital where we held him, kissed him, told him we were sorry and said our goodbyes.
They have done all the blood tests, tested the placenta and autopsied our little man, now they're ready to tell us what they found.
I don't want to go.
i don't want to hear that they don't know why it happened.
i don't want to hear that it was something i did during the pregnancy.
i don't want to hear that it was a genetic issue and nothing to do with my actions.
there's no response they can give me that will appease me.
So, i don't want to go!
As the appointment has drawn closer i have found all my old anxiety triggers returning, resulting in unpredictable tears, heart palpation's and fatigue. In the past i could count on a quiet moment of reflection and a prayer to God to set me back on track. Now i can't. because i am giving God the silent treatment.
I know this is probably not the best way of going about healing my heart, but just i don't know how to get past such a betrayal as this. I know and i truly believe that God didn't take my son from me, just as i know and believe that God loved him as much as we do. but he didn't save him either. so I'm at a stalemate. My problem is that i want to go on believing in a loving God who answers prayers, but i can't reconcile that with a God who let my son die. you might say that "betrayed" is a very strong word to be using here. but that is truly how i feel. to me its as though He heard my distraught pleas and went ... ahh? NO!.. no room for negotiation, no room for appeals, in fact i never even knew he'd decided no til it was too late. how is that the actions of a God who loves me?
last Sunday one of the women at my church was talking about being faithful and how in His own time God will answer your prayers, but they may not be answered the way you want them to be. i sat there in the back of the congregation with tears streaming down my face thinking "there is no time" his or mine, no amount of time will enable my prayer to have been answered. its too late for that now. so what's faith got to do with it? how can faith turn my situation around. what do I get from having faith. what's the point of having faith?
I feel like such a fool for having prayed so desperately that my baby would be alright, both in the weeks leading up to, and the night before the fateful ultrasound. I had blindly believed in the power of prayer to affect situations. As i am writing this now i feel kind of like a petulant child asking "ohhh, but why not?" in a whiny voice. but this is no denial of a lolly, this was denial of a love that promised to always be there for me, to answer my prayers, to bless my life with abundance. and it hurts, as all denial does.
So where do i go from here?
There's a few things i do know,
God loves me,
God loves my son,
God has the power to answer prayers,
In the past God has invoked miracles in my life both small and huge, that could not be explained with the most modern methods of modern science,
I am blessed with a gorgeous loving husband who is a great provider and the best dad a little girl could ever hope for.
I am blessed with a stunning daughter, who is so intelligent and empathic that she makes me cry with pride.
i am blessed with two supporting churches with fantastic pastors (all four of them),
and i am blessed with the most amazing network of friends who daily lift me up and surround me with their love.
there is so much love in my life and i believe that its there because God has declared it over me. but the question for me lately has been, is that enough? do all these past and present blessings make up for the one denial? is this enough to support my faith in a loving God?
Honestly?
I don't know... i know that i want to believe again that God listens and my prayers will be answered. i know that i want to be able to pray around this hard cold lump of a heart i have. i know that i want to feel safe and blessed again...
but i don't know how to get there.
